Calgary, June 2022
I am a businessman, and a big part of my job is advertising. The more outrageous claims I make, the better sales I get. In fact, the best way to advertise is to start a conspiracy theory. It is quite simple, all you have to do is to say something like: “The government is trying to deprive us of the freedom to …………..,” and you fill in the dotted line. In my case the dotted line is: “to drink beer.” You see, I own brewery and if my conspiracy theory succeeds, the beer I make will become a drink of the anti-government protesters. The question is, how to spread such a ploy, and social media is always a good start. After doing some research, I have found a minor celebrity on Twitter, let’s call him John, who had a few hundred followers. I invited him for dinner and explained my proposition:
“Hello John, I have an idea which you might find interesting.”
“What idea?”
“I want you to spread a rumour that the government wants to deprive us of the freedom to drink beer.”
“Why would you want me to do that?”
“I sell beer and a conspiracy theory is the best way how to advertise a product.
“Well, your claim has to be based on something,” said John quite reasonably.
I was ready for that. “Yes, you are right, and here it is: The government is hiding the fact that astronomers discovered traces of beer in far corners of the Universe. It means that God himself put it there because beer is good. Government is hiding it to satisfy the anti-alcohol lobby.”
John thought about it and then he asked: “Do you think anybody would believe it?”
“Why not? People believe that US government is hiding UFO in a secret hangar in Nevada. Others believe that Earth is flat. Some believe Trump is waging a secret war against elite Satan-worshipping paedophiles in the Democratic party. Why wouldn’t they believe in beer in the Universe?”
John admitted that I had a point.
“OK, suppose you are right. How would it help your business?”
“That is simple. I will say that my beer is the same as the one discovered in the Universe. I already have a name for it: Heavenly Brew. It will become a drink of the protesters.”
John then asked another reasonable question: “What’s in it for me?”
I was ready for that too. “If the conspiracy theory works, I will start the advertising campaign for my Heavenly Brew. Then I give you half of the sales. And to verify that I am not cheating, I will send you copies of my tax returns.”
John didn’t look convinced, but he agreed. After all, it wouldn’t cost him anything to try it.
I must admit, John was a skilful manipulator. His Twitter campaign started by pointing out that the government is trying to limit the consumption of alcohol. Then he invented rumours about increased taxes on beer. That substantially expanded the number of his followers; people are very touchy about taxes. Finally, John came up with a bombshell: Astronomers discovered traces of beer in far corners of the Universe. How did it get there? For the believers, there was only one answer: God put it there, and government is trying to suppress that discovery. From that moment the conspiracy theory really took off, and I thought it was a right time to start the advertising campaign for my Heavenly Brew.
The advertising for the Heavenly Brew indeed appeared on the social medias, but it wasn’t my advertising. It was the competition’s company name which appeared on Twitter, Facebook, and others. I was furious and called John. Not surprisingly, he wouldn’t answer, but when I called him at two o’clock in the morning and kept the phone ringing, he couldn’t ignore me anymore.
“Why did you berty me?” I asked.
“They offered me more money.”
“Was money the only motivation for you? Didn’t you feel any loyalty to me?”
“You tried to grab money by inventing a ridiculous story which we both new was not true. I don’t think you can talk to me about loyalty”
I had to admit John was right, but that was the end my heavenly campaign. Later I learned that the competition made killing with the Heavenly Brew. It was a good idea.