Decision

Calgary, August 2022

There are a lot of choices we must make every day. We decide what to have for breakfast, what to buy in a supermarket or what to wear to work. Most of those choices are trivial and have no consequence. But sometimes our life journey brings us, without warning, to a junction and we must decide which road to take. This decision then determines the rest of our life. The following story is about such a decision.

Martin was a young man with a dream. He wanted to be a pilot, to fly high up in the sky, to see exotic and mysterious countries, to live a life of adventure. Therefore, he took flying lessons, got his Private Pilot licence, then continued with a Commercial licence and when he accumulated enough flight time, he became a flight instructor. But flying is expensive, and Martin didn't have a rich uncle to support him. He was the only one to finance his dream. He worked at construction, did various odd jobs, lived in a cheap, lousy apartment, and saved every dollar to get his Airline Pilot Licence, his ticket to the adventure. But lately, he wasn't so sure about his dream anymore. The job of an airline pilot might not be what he was hoping for. Starting salaries of new pilots were incredibly low, not enough to live on, and it took years to get promoted to captain. And even if everything goes well and the pilot finally earns adequate wages, he will be driving an aerial bus at 30,000 feet, passing long hours of boredom. It was far from the life of adventure Martin was dreaming about. So, one day Martin decided that it was not worth it. "I will get a decent job which pays decent money," he said to himself and that's what he did. He registered in a community college, became a computer technician, and upon graduation, he had plenty of jobs to choose from. Also, while studying, he met a woman, Jane, one of the few females who took similar courses as he did. He liked her, the liking seemed to be mutual, and then it turned into a true love. After graduation, they decided to live together, rented a nice apartment which, with double income, they could afford, and life was good. But Martin didn't want to abandon aviation altogether, so he continued flight instructing, more as a hobby than as another job. His dream of a life of adventure seemed to be all but forgotten. Until one day, when after finishing a flight with a student, a fellow instructor asked him:
“Did you read the advert?”
“What advert?”
“The one posted on the board. They are looking for pilots.”
Indeed, a company related to United Nations was looking for pilots to fly small planes in faraway parts of the world, to deliver supplies and aid to the remote villages and refugee camps. Exactly the type of adventure Martin had been dreaming about, the dream which he thought was gone and forgotten. Martin was looking at the advert for a long time and then wrote down the contact address. At home, he composed a resume, listed his flying experience, and e-mailed it to that address. In a few days came the reply asking him for copies of his pilot licence and his logbook. That was serious, there was a real possibility they could hire him. Martin didn't know what to do. His old dream was suddenly alive and well but accepting the job would mean losing Jane. Martin was torn between following his dream or staying with his love, knowing that he could not have both. The Shakespearian "To be or not to be” turned for Martin into “To send or not to send." Hamlet never resolved his dilemma, but Martin did, and he sent the requested documents to the company. Two weeks later came an e-mail offering him a job. They would fly him to the headquarters in a faraway city and from there to their base in the center of the country. There he will do a check ride and if all goes well, he will sign a one-year contract, which then could be renewed. They also gave him a phone number to call to confirm the acceptance. Martin was looking at the e-mail wondering if he should be happy or sad. It was all very sudden.
“What’s happening? You look as if you saw a ghost,” asked Jane when she saw him staring at the screen.
“They offered me a job.”
“What job?”
“Flying job. It is right here. You can read it.”
Jane read the e-mail and couldn’t believe what she saw.
“Did you apply for this?”
“I didn’t look for it if this is what you are asking. There was an advert at the flying club, and I replied to it.”
“Are you going to take the job?”
“I don’t know.”
"I am not going to beg you to stay with me, but if you take it, it will be the end between us. I don't want to wait for you to come home for a few days, have a quickie and then you leave again. I want a man I can live with, like we live now. But as I said, I will not beg you to stay. It is your decision."
Martin knew she was right and for the rest of the evening, there was a frosty silence between them. There wasn't much else to say. At night Martin held Jane in his arms and gave her a long kiss.
“Is this a goodbye kiss?”
“Yes.”
Jane turned round, away from him and tears were flowing from her eyes. They tried to make the last few days together pleasant, but it was impossible. The separation was hanging over them like a dark cloud. The last day Jane drove Martin to the airport, he tried to hold and kiss her, but she pushed him away.
“Don’t make it even harder for both of us,” she said and walked out. Martin was tempted to run after her and shout “Jane, wait. I changed my mind, I will stay,” but he didn’t do it. Then, in the airplane, he felt like crying.

When the long flight was finally over, Martin was glad somebody was waiting for him at the airport. They took him to the private aviation terminal and a company pilot flew him to their remote base. For the next few days, Martin was busy with a check ride, meeting his companions, and getting familiar with the new environment. Then, after a brief introduction, Martin was on his own, and the flying was all he was dreaming about. He was in the sky of an exotic and mysterious country, living a life of adventure. "So, why I am always so sad," he kept asking himself, and he knew the answer. He was missing Jane. But nothing lasts forever, and his sadness was slowly turning into a scar in his heart which was healing but which will never disappear completely. But the most important part of Martin’s adventure was his friendship with other pilots. He was proud to belong to a group of men who, like himself, have chosen adventure over the safety of home.

Time passed, Martin was promoted to Chief pilot, then they moved him to the company headquarters in a large city and his job was more about organizing and less about flying. Martin felt he already achieved his dream, had enough of the adventure and decided not to renew his yearly contract. He was ready to come home, to continue with his old life. Also, he never completely lost contact with Jane. They were exchanging e-mails and Martin learned that she found somebody else, got married, had children, and had a normal family life, the life she couldn’t have with him.

The return home turned out to be easier than expected. There were still plenty of jobs for computer technicians, he found a nice apartment, and as soon as he was settled, he wrote another e-mail to Jane. He told her that he was back and that he would very much like to see her again, to talk about old times. Therefore, one day they met in a cafeteria, Jane talked about her family, he described his adventures and then asked a question he had been wandering about all that time.
“Was I right to leave you?”
“Yes, you were. If you stayed, deep down you would always blame me for giving up your dream, and it would make both of us miserable. Now you had your adventure, you were successful, and you are ready for the next phase of your life. I am sure you will be successful again, and I wish you the best of luck.”

I can finish my story with this semi-happy ending, but I want to stay with it a bit longer. I want to find out what would happen if Martin stayed with Jane. For that, I go back to the part of the story where Jane reads Martin's job offer and asks:
“Are you going to take the job?”
“I don’t know.”
For the rest of the evening, there was a frosty silence between them. There wasn't much else to say. At night Martin held Jane in his arms and gave her a long kiss.
“Is this a goodbye kiss?”
“No. It is a kiss to stay together.”
“You won’t take the job?”
“No, I want to stay with you.”
Jane pulled Martin on top of herself, and they had the wildest, happiest sex of their life. In the morning Martin called the company to reject their offer. Jane then asked if he abandoned his dream for her.
“I abandoned it because I want to stay with you. As you said, it was my decision,” but it wasn’t completely true. When Martin called the company telling them he wouldn’t take the job, he looked at Jane with reproach. It was only for an instant, but it was there.

The life returned to normal, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Every time Martin went flying with a student, the advert in the flying club pricked him like a pin. Also, flight instructing was less and less appealing. Most of the time he was just sitting in the right-hand seat of Cessna, watching his student fly. It was becoming really boring.
“You are more and more miserable,” said Jane one evening.
“Yes, I know. I am not much of a company lately. Are you thinking about leaving me?”
“No, I will never leave you unless you want me to. You sacrificed your dream for me, and I will never forget that. But we must rebuild our relationship. I know you still love flying. Why don’t you find some replacement for your old dream? Something which wouldn’t interfere with our marriage. It wouldn’t be the same as a life of adventure you wanted, but better than nothing.”
Martin was glad Jane said it. He was thinking about it too, but never dared to mention it. Now, when Jane suggested it, he bought an old airplane, and it became his toy. He spent a lot of time fixing it, and on weekends went flying with Jane. It greatly improved their relationship.

Now my story has two Martins. One who said ‘yes’ to the adventure, I will call him Martin_Y, and the other one, Martin_N, who rejected it. I want them to meet, so now Martin_Y and Martin_N are sitting somewhere at a bar, sipping beer, and talking about their lives. They are in their sixties and Martin_N starts the conversation:
"So, my friend, you realized your dream, you lived a life of adventure. Was it worth it?"
“Yes, I lived my dream, but I paid a high price. I lost Jane.”
“But now you have your own family, your wife, your children. You should be happy.”
“I am happy, and I love my wife. But deep down I still miss Jane.”
There was a silence and then Martin_Y asked his alternative self:
“How about you? Did you also pay a high price?”
"Yes, I did. It was hard for me to realize that I am a coward. I rejected the job because I didn't have the courage to live my own life. It wasn't Jane's fault. In fact, she helped me to accept myself the way I am."
“But you accepted it, you seem to be happy.”
“Yes, but the disappointment in myself never left me.”
“Well, we both found out we cannot have it both ways,” concluded Martin_Y.
They finished their beer and left the bar to continue with their separate lives, and I end my story by wandering who of the two made a better decision.