Calgary, December 2023
I will never forget my younger brother. We were very close, had similar interests and shared a passion for skiing. Ever since I remember, our parents were taking us to the mountains and later, when we were older, we joined a ski club. Also, being good students, it was natural for us to plan to study at a university. I had an interest in engineering, so I applied and was accepted to the engineering faculty of the university located in the capital city. I liked the academic environment and expected my brother to join me soon. But that never happened. I was in the fourth semester when I got a terrible news. My brother drowned in a lake. It appeared he was swimming there, but the water was too cold. He was alone, nobody saw him, and I couldn't understand why he would do it. Swimming wasn't his favoured sport. It didn't make any sense.
His death was a terrible tragedy for our family. It was a school break, so I stayed with my parents, feeling very depressed and lonely. That summer my brother and I were supposed to do some mountain climbing, just two of us. Now I was at home, one gloomy day after another. To make it even worse, there was that ever-present question: Why? Why did he do it?
But life goes on. I continued studying and finally, during the last semester, I thought I got lucky. It happened one day at the university cafeteria. A woman I never saw before approached me and said: “Hello, you must be David. I heard you are a good skier.” I was surprised. Who was she and how did she know my name? “Who told you that?” I asked.
“People at the university ski club. I am new here and I like skiing, so I made some inquiries. They told me you are very good and they even showed me your photo. That's why I recognized you."
I didn’t know they thought so highly of me and that they even had my picture, but it was nice to hear it.
“Thanks for the compliment. What is your name?”
“Diana.”
“Hello Diana, have a seat.”
We had lunch together, talking mostly about skiing. She told me she comes from the same town I grew up, was studying science at a different university and now transferred to the faculty of engineering, the same one I was studying in. It was a lucky coincidence, and I was glad she found me. It was towards the end of the ski season; we had a few trips together, became friends, then lovers and later, after finishing our studies and finding jobs, a married couple, and parents. Life was good, and I frequently thought about my brother, who was deprived of all that. I told Diana about him, how close we were, and how I missed him. She didn’t say anything, there was nothing to say. She only hugged me and tried to be nice, and I considered myself lucky to have her.
Unfortunately, those who say that nothing lasts forever are right, and my happiness ended one day when I was sick. Diana was at work, kids at school and I was at home alone, feeling miserable and bored. Having nothing to do, I was looking at the photo albums, watching the pictures of our happy family. Then I remembered that Diana had her own pictures from the days before we met. I knew where she kept them, so, feeling a bit uneasy, I took them out. I shouldn’t have done it; it was a mistake. As I was going through them, I saw a photo of her with my brother. They were young, looking happy, smiling at each other. During all the times I was talking to her about him, she never mentioned she knew him. I put the picture aside and, in the evening, when the kids were already in bed, I showed it to her. "What is it?"
She looked at it, her eyes full of tears. “I shouldn’t have kept it, but I couldn’t throw it out. It is my only reminder of him.”
“So, you knew him.”
“Yes. We met skiing. He was very good, and I admired his style. We belonged to the same ski club, so we saw each other often, became friends, and he was the first man I had sex with. I really loved him. Then came the fatal day. The ski season was over, and we decided to go to that lake. The weather was nice and warm, and I dared him to swim across. He didn’t want to, but I bugged him. We were both 18 and at that age, boys would do anything to impress a girl. He stripped to his underpants and started to swim, but the water was too cold. I called him back, but he was already too far. He tried to return, but his head disappeared under the water. I was terrified, but there was nothing I could do, so I ran away. I didn't tell anybody what happened, but I felt extremely guilty and wanted somehow to undo the sorrow I had caused. Then I remembered you. Your brother talked often about you, how close you were and how he was looking forward to joining you at the university. So, I thought if I can be your woman and make you happy, it might at least partly compensate for what I have done. In that, I think, I succeeded.”
“So, it wasn’t a chance we met. You were looking for me.”
“Yes. Your brother told me where you study and he showed me your picture, so it was easy to find you.”
“And your love for me is also a lie.”
“No, it is not. I truly love you and beg you not to leave me."
“I don’t know. I must think about it, and I want to be alone.”
I walked to the nearby park and sat on the bench. It was all too sudden. I remembered the deep depression I felt in the days after my brother’s death, compounded by the absurdity of what happened. At that time, I swore that if there was somebody who caused his death, I would kill him. Now that person was my wife. But we had children, and children need fathers. Our children needed me, and if I left, I would be punishing them.
I was sitting on that bench for a long time and then walked back home. It was late, Diana was already in bed, pretending to be sleeping. I brushed my teeth, took off the clothes and lay down beside her. She tried to hug me, but I didn’t like it. It wasn’t the same anymore.