Calgary, August 2024
"The man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants." This is a quote from the old movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and it is true in many families. The following story is about one of those families.
Mr. Samuel Cohen was a nice Jewish man with a nice but small Jewish family. He wanted many children, mostly boys, who would take over his business when the time came, but it didn’t work that way. Samuel had only one daughter, Adina, and he was worried. Who will take over his business? Adina, being a woman, couldn't do it because, as everybody knows, women cannot run a business. But his wife Hannah didn’t think it was a problem. "Don't worry, Samuel. Adina will get married, have children, her husband will take over your business and we will have grandchildren to play with.” This image of the future somewhat placated Samuel. He too hoped that Adina would marry a nice Jewish boy and that life will settle the way his wife predicted.
But Adina, who was now 17, didn’t share the vision of her parents. She was smart, was good at school and wanted to study at the university. But her dad didn’t see any purpose in that. “You are 17, will get married and have children. You don’t need a university degree for that.”
“I don’t want to get married and be dependent on a man. I want my own life and earn my own money.”
“You are a Jewish girl, and you will follow the Jewish traditions.”
Adina felt insulted and went to her mom, tears in her eyes.
“I don’t want to get married. I am smart, I want to study and have my own life. I don’t need a man to support me.”
“Yes, you are smart,” agreed her mom.
"But Dad doesn't see it that way, and I don’t know how to convince him.”
At that point, Hannah repeated the sentence from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding: “Darling, the man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants."
“And you will turn his head the right way?”
“Yes, I will.”
In situations like that, the strategy is to make the man think he came up with the idea the woman planted into his head. Therefore, one evening, Hannah started a seemingly innocent conversation.
“So, Samuel, how is business?”
“You know, there are always problems. A lot of expense and little income.” Samuel liked to complain. He would never admit his business was doing well.
“Perhaps you can eliminate some of the expenses. For example, your accountant. How much is he charging?”
“Too much for the little he does.”
“Can Adina do it?”
Samuel thought about it. “It is an interesting idea. Perhaps she can.”
“But she doesn’t know anything about accounting.”
“She can learn, she is a smart girl.”
The next day Hannah told her daughter: "It’s all fixed. You can register at the university, but you must learn something about accounting. That’s why dad agreed with your studying. He wants you to do the accounting for him.”
This was great news for Adina. She registered at the university and took some accounting courses as a part of her curriculum. Then she started to work for her dad, and it was beneficial for both of them. She learned more about the business, and Samuel appreciated the intelligence of his daughter. He realized that she indeed deserved the university education.
“Tell me, Adina. Any nice Jewish boy on the horizon?” he asked from time to time while she was going through a pile of papers.
"No, not yet," was her usual response, but it was only half true. There was a nice man, John, but he wasn’t Jewish. They met at one of their classes, and as it happened, John was studying Business Administration. Adina liked him, they became friends, then lovers and were planning to live together. But John wasn’t Jewish, and that would be a big problem for Adina’s parents.
"We cannot keep our relationship secret forever. We must do something,” said Adina one evening when they were lying in bed in John’s apartment.
“What do you want to do?”
“I will talk to my mom. She says that the woman is the neck which can turn the man's head any way she wants. She might turn my dad’s head the way we need.”
Therefore, one day when Samuel was away and Adina was alone with her mother, she started a difficult conversation.
“Mom, you remember saying that woman is the neck which can turn men’s head any way she wants?”
“Yes, I remember that.”
“I would like you to turn dad's head again. You see, I have a boyfriend. I like him very much, but he isn't Jewish. I know dad would never agree to a union like that.”
“You are right, dad would never agree.”
“Can you do something?”
“Why do you think I would agree?”
“Because you are a woman, and you know how it is to love a man.”
That was true. Hannah knew that Adina would not drop her lover just to please Samuel. But she also knew this wasn’t a question of turning his head. Interfaith marriages go against all the Jewish traditions. According to the Orthodox religion, they represent a threat to the future survival of the Jewish nation.
“If dad and I are against it, will you still stay with him?"
“It would make me very unhappy. I love him, and I love you both.”
There was no common ground, no compromise. It was either to give up the Jewish tradition or to lose their daughter.
“I don’t think I can help you. My only suggestion is for your man to impress dad so much that he will accept him,” concluded the discussion mom.
“How did it go with your mom?” asked John the next time they met.
"Not too good. She said she could not do anything and suggested that you impress my dad so much he will accept you.”
“But how?”
“You graduated from Business Administration; you should know something about finances. You might give him some advice to improve his return on investment. He doesn’t know much about that.”
Therefore, the next time Adina did Samuel’s accounting, John looked at it and suggested transferring money to different accounts with better yields. “There is no risk in that,” he pointed out. “The money is guaranteed by the government and the worst that could happen is losing interest on the investment.”
Adina explained the suggestion to Samuel, and he was impressed. “You say I can double what I am getting on the interest from the bank? With no risk?”
“Yes.”
“Did you come up with this? Was it your idea?”
“No. My friend suggested it.”
“A friend? What kind of a friend?”
“He is a fellow student from the university. He graduated from Business Administration and now he works for a bank.”
Adina set up the accounts, Samuel transferred the money, and, in a few months, it became obvious that John was right. The yield they were getting was much better than the interest from the bank. John made a few more suggestions and Samuel was even more impressed. “I would like to meet your friend. Invite him.”
This was how John and Samuel met, and it was a pleasant meeting. John was very polite, explained to Samuel the idea of investing money and suggested he could be his financial advisor.
“How much would that cost me?” asked Samuel. He knew that nothing was for free.
“Nothing. I will do it as Adina’s friend.”
Samuel looked at John. It was almost too good to be true. “I wish Adina would find herself a man like you.”
“She already did.”
“She did? Whom?”
“Me.”
Samuel’s admiration for John vanished. “But you are not Jew.”
“That is true. I am not.”
For Samuel, this was the worst that could have happened. It destroyed his dream of Adina's nice Jewish family with nice Jewish children to play with.
“It is too sudden for me. I must think about it. Please leave.”
Then Samuel called his daughter.
“How long do you know him?”
“Two years.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“You want to marry him?”
“Yes.”
"Even though he isn't a Jew?”
“Yes.”
Samuel didn’t make any reproaches or threats. He wasn’t a violent man. He left the room and went to his wife.
“Did you know about it?”
“Yes.”
"So, my family conspired against me to keep me in the dark."
"You can look at it that way, but there is another point of view. You can ask yourself what is more important: the happiness of our daughter or the Jewish tradition. Adina is an adult. She can marry whoever she wants, and you cannot prevent it. If you forbid her to marry John, she will do it anyway and we will lose our daughter and our future grandchildren. If you agree with their marriage, you will violate the Jewish tradition. It’s up to you to decide.”
There wasn’t much more to say. Samuel didn’t want to lose his daughter, so he called her: “I accept your marriage to John. I hope it will make you happy because it certainly does not make me happy. It violates all I have ever believed in." Adina wanted to kiss her dad, but he turned around and left.
The wedding took place, the parents of the groom and bride were sitting together at the same table and there was an awkward silence. Then the newlywed joined them and Adina brought a present for both parents. Two beautifully framed photographs showed John and Adina, smiling at each other, looking happy. “Every time you will feel depressed about the choice of spouses we have made, look at the picture. You gave us the opportunity to be happy,” she said.
Samuel looked at the photo and then looked at his daughter. "I hope you will be happy for a long time. I have sacrificed all I believe in for that.”
To finish the story, I want to add my sympathy for Samuel and hope that his sacrifice was worth it.